BEING SINGLE
Just
accept it. Literally everyone is going
to ask you about it. I've developed
several scenarios to combat this topic.
I find that some work better than others.
#1 Shock Value Response
Robot:
Are you seeing anyone right now?
Me:
Nope…just banging strangers.
This
one is my favorite but has to be timed appropriately. It's best used on your way out so that you're
not ostracized for the remainder of the party.
Like a rookie, I once dropped this bomb upon arrival and wasn't allowed
to hold any babies for the rest of the afternoon for fear that said offspring
might contract an STD. YOU CAN'T GET
HERPES FROM TOUCHING YOU IDIOTS!
Ugh…everybody knows that.
#2 Lie
Robot:
Are you seeing anyone right now?
Me:
No…I was married but we're going through a divorce.
Robot:
What happened?
(I
like to cater my answer to elicit the most fear in whoever I'm talking to. If they're fat, I say my husband left me for
a thin person. If they don't have children,
I say he left me because he was eager to start a family. If they're religious, I say he was gay. It's awesome.)
#3 Cater
Robot:
Are you seeing anyone right now?
Me:
*hysterical crying*
Sadly
but not surprisingly, this scheme works best.
You will immediately be handed a) alcohol b) food and c) hugs. You will be swarmed by women who want to lift
your spirits. The truth is ‑ they're
just so relieved to hear that you don't want to be single. It's just an unfortunate turn of events which
is likely the result of you not meeting the right person. You will then hear some of the dumbest
bullshit that women LOVE to say to one another:
"It
must be hard because you're so busy.
You've always been so focused on your career."
"The
thing is that you intimidate men! You're
so strong and pretty!"
"Have
you tried dating online? Well I mean I've
never done it but I know a girl who met her husband on OK Cupid!"
If
none of the above tactics work you just need to pull out the big guns and say
you were raped. I know it sounds crazy
but everyone will flee and you'll finally get some God damn peace and quiet.
HAVING BABIES
If
you managed to skirt the Single question, your audience will then move on to
children. The only thing worse in the
world than a woman who isn't upset that she's single is a woman who's unclear
about whether or not she wants to procreate. If you are in a suburban area, it's
in your best interest to simply say you lost your uterus in a car accident and
then start weeping. Otherwise, you will be crucified. The
thing that married people will typically discuss with each other after you
reveal to them your indifference to childbirth is how you are intensely
selfish. That is what people who want to have children always say about people who
don't. They just can't believe how selfish you're being.
Other
than the Virgin Mary, when has any birth been selfless? Furthermore, I have to
imagine that if the Virgin Mary had better access to medical care and abortion
was invented, she'd have had a tough decision to make. How in the world is
having a baby not totally selfish? You're forcing a person into a world that
they have no say in. I'd go so far as to say it's a step above slavery. You own
that thing until it's eighteen and as soon as it starts talking, it's expected
to pay its own way. It's subtle at first – pick up your toys, please and thank
you, and then as the offspring gets older it's straight up drudgery.
Now
quite frankly, I don't care if people get married and I certainly don't mind if
they have children. I do mind the insinuation that I'm a bad person because I'm
not filled with baby and that they're living a spiritual life that doesn't
involve birth control or false claims of rape.
FULL-TIME MOM
If
you can avoid Single Talk and Baby Talk at a shower, you have one more cross to
bear. The Full-time Mom. She's my favorite.
Me: So what do you do for work?
Robot: Fulltime mom!
Me: Oh so you don't have a job.
Robot: Being a mom is my job.
Me: Do you get a paycheck?
Robot: Well no but let me tell you…I had a job and it was way easier than taking care of three kids.
Me: I'm sure it was. Nonetheless, you currently don't have a job.
Robot:
You can't imagine how exhausted I am at
the end of the day.
Me: No, I mean…I totally get it. Being a mom is hard. I'm just not sure that constitutes a
job. Maybe we could call you a
volunteer?
Robot:
Fulltime mom!
Me: So what about moms who have actual
jobs…do they have two jobs?
Robot:
I don't know.
Me:
Could you put "fulltime
mom" on a resume?
Robot: No.
Me: Ok great. So we've established that you don't have a
job.
Robot:
BEING A MOM IS MY JOB!
I
literally don't understand. Why try to
trick me into thinking that you have a job?
I mean…you totally don't and that's totally cool. I can see you put a lot of effort into this
baby shower (also doesn't constitute a job) and I thank you for this washcloth
shaped like a bunny.
Ultimately,
I'm not even sure what a baby shower is.
I'm constantly expecting to see the actual baby and instead I'm just
glaring at a pregnant broad the whole time.
I find it to be a little bizarre that we're all invited to come watch
you not have a baby. I'm not trying to be
a jerk or anything but it's fairly unimpressive. Why not have the baby and then we can all get
together and hear about how you shit your pants during childbirth. Honest to God, that strikes me as way more
interesting than all the topics we're currently stuck with. Listen…I am single, sans child and employed
(actual job) and I don't think I should be judged so harshly. Take it easy on me, women with babies. Either that or stop inviting me to your
stupid parties where you lie about how there's gonna be a baby there. Ugh…I fall for it every time.
