Friday, November 30, 2012

Baby Showers

Baby showers mark the divide in women.  If you have a child and are attending a baby shower, you will feel at-ease, included, and sure of yourself.  If you are married, without children and attending a baby shower, you should prepare yourself to answer a lot of questions about the child you are certainly planning to have.  If you are single and attending a baby shower, you should literally just kill yourself.  You will inevitably find yourself navigating around one of three conversation topics: Being Single, Having Babies, Being a Full-Time Mom.


Just accept it.  Literally everyone is going to ask you about it.  I've developed several scenarios to combat this topic.  I find that some work better than others.

#1 Shock Value Response

Robot: Are you seeing anyone right now?

Me: Nope…just banging strangers.

This one is my favorite but has to be timed appropriately.  It's best used on your way out so that you're not ostracized for the remainder of the party.  Like a rookie, I once dropped this bomb upon arrival and wasn't allowed to hold any babies for the rest of the afternoon for fear that said offspring might contract an STD.  YOU CAN'T GET HERPES FROM TOUCHING YOU IDIOTS!  Ugh…everybody knows that.

#2 Lie     

Robot: Are you seeing anyone right now?

Me: No…I was married but we're going through a divorce.

Robot: What happened?

(I like to cater my answer to elicit the most fear in whoever I'm talking to.  If they're fat, I say my husband left me for a thin person.  If they don't have children, I say he left me because he was eager to start a family.  If they're religious, I say he was gay.  It's awesome.)

#3 Cater

Robot: Are you seeing anyone right now?
Me: *hysterical crying*

Sadly but not surprisingly, this scheme works best.  You will immediately be handed a) alcohol b) food and c) hugs.  You will be swarmed by women who want to lift your spirits.  The truth is ‑ they're just so relieved to hear that you don't want to be single.  It's just an unfortunate turn of events which is likely the result of you not meeting the right person.  You will then hear some of the dumbest bullshit that women LOVE to say to one another:

"It must be hard because you're so busy.  You've always been so focused on your career."

"The thing is that you intimidate men!  You're so strong and pretty!"

"Have you tried dating online?  Well I mean I've never done it but I know a girl who met her husband on OK Cupid!"

If none of the above tactics work you just need to pull out the big guns and say you were raped.  I know it sounds crazy but everyone will flee and you'll finally get some God damn peace and quiet. 


If you managed to skirt the Single question, your audience will then move on to children.  The only thing worse in the world than a woman who isn't upset that she's single is a woman who's unclear about whether or not she wants to procreate. If you are in a suburban area, it's in your best interest to simply say you lost your uterus in a car accident and then start weeping. Otherwise, you will be crucified.  The thing that married people will typically discuss with each other after you reveal to them your indifference to childbirth is how you are intensely selfish. That is what people who want to have children always say about people who don't. They just can't believe how selfish you're being.

Other than the Virgin Mary, when has any birth been selfless? Furthermore, I have to imagine that if the Virgin Mary had better access to medical care and abortion was invented, she'd have had a tough decision to make. How in the world is having a baby not totally selfish? You're forcing a person into a world that they have no say in. I'd go so far as to say it's a step above slavery. You own that thing until it's eighteen and as soon as it starts talking, it's expected to pay its own way. It's subtle at first – pick up your toys, please and thank you, and then as the offspring gets older it's straight up drudgery.

Now quite frankly, I don't care if people get married and I certainly don't mind if they have children. I do mind the insinuation that I'm a bad person because I'm not filled with baby and that they're living a spiritual life that doesn't involve birth control or false claims of rape.


If you can avoid Single Talk and Baby Talk at a shower, you have one more cross to bear.  The Full-time Mom.  She's my favorite.

Me:  So what do you do for work?

Robot:  Fulltime mom!

Me:  Oh so you don't have a job.

Robot:  Being a mom is my job.

Me:  Do you get a paycheck?

Robot: Well no but let me tell you…I had a job and it was way easier than taking care of three kids.

Me:  I'm sure it was.  Nonetheless, you currently don't have a job.

Robot: You can't imagine how exhausted I am at the end of the day.

Me:  No, I mean…I totally get it.  Being a mom is hard.  I'm just not sure that constitutes a job.  Maybe we could call you a volunteer?

Robot: Fulltime mom!

Me:  So what about moms who have actual jobs…do they have two jobs?

Robot: I don't know.

Me: Could you put "fulltime mom" on a resume?

Robot: No.

Me:  Ok great.  So we've established that you don't have a job.


I literally don't understand.  Why try to trick me into thinking that you have a job?  I mean…you totally don't and that's totally cool.  I can see you put a lot of effort into this baby shower (also doesn't constitute a job) and I thank you for this washcloth shaped like a bunny.

Ultimately, I'm not even sure what a baby shower is.  I'm constantly expecting to see the actual baby and instead I'm just glaring at a pregnant broad the whole time.  I find it to be a little bizarre that we're all invited to come watch you not have a baby.  I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything but it's fairly unimpressive.  Why not have the baby and then we can all get together and hear about how you shit your pants during childbirth.  Honest to God, that strikes me as way more interesting than all the topics we're currently stuck with.  Listen…I am single, sans child and employed (actual job) and I don't think I should be judged so harshly.  Take it easy on me, women with babies.  Either that or stop inviting me to your stupid parties where you lie about how there's gonna be a baby there.  Ugh…I fall for it every time.