I mean…it’s not a big deal or anything I just think we
should acknowledge that he literally hates me.
For like 30 seconds I got confused and thought maybe he liked me. I had just spent 10 glorious days in Chicago where my mother, Mimi Royer,
doted on me and every meal included country fried steak. I returned to Los Angeles fresh and renewed. I felt confident that I was on the precipice
of greatness. Over the holiday break, I
had taken the time to remove all the dicks that had been inserted into my asshole previous to my departure and was confident that they would stay gone for
good. Unfortunately, it quickly became clear
that God put those dicks there for a reason and by removing them I had
inadvertently pissed him off.
The night I returned to Los Angeles I was committed to finishing
season 2 of Homeland which had unequivocally changed my life. I became obsessed with it (deep-rooted
addiction problems) while I was at home and was anxious to get back to it. Unfortunately, when I sat down to fire up my
super trendy Dell Inspiron, the screen literally just started spewing an array
of numbers and letters indicating to me that perhaps it was not working. I don’t know a lot about computers so I just
turned it on and off 40 times, to no avail.
Day one in LA = non-functioning laptop.
Insert dick into ass.
I reasoned that this was a slight annoyance, nothing to be
alarmed about. I have a tech guy at work
and I’m certain that his sole job is to accommodate my needs. While my ass was slightly sore from this
minor setback, I would not be deterred.
People in Africa are dying of AIDS, my
laptop doesn’t work. No big deal.
The next day my email was hacked and I sent what I have to
imagine was a virus to about 400 of my closest friends. The day after that, my Blackberry (I get it…I
should get a new phone. I’M NOT GOOD
WITH TECHNOLOGY!!!) stopped sending and receiving emails. In the interim, I realized that I was
freezing to death every night only to find out that my heat was broken. I’m not sure if you’re following but this is
now several dicks. I hadn’t even been
home for a week and there were so many dicks in my ass I could hardly see
straight.
I was beginning to crack but I would not break. NO BIG DEAL GOD! I’VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL! YOU WON’T WIN THIS ROUND YOU SON OF A
BITCH! But God would not be
deterred. It was obvious he would not be
happy until my ass was brimming with dicks.
At around 10:30pm last Friday, I had just completed a 3 and a half hour improv
class and was exhausted from a long day of being a legal assistant and
pretending to be an actor. I was walking
with a friend, back to my car, when I noticed that my back window had writing
on it. I turned to my friend Allie and
said, “Um…does my back window say asshole?”
Well ladies and gentleman, it did…obviously. Luckily there were several helpful messages
written with wax all over my windows.
After the asshole message, which was uninformative at best – creatively
lacking at worst, the next message read, “Die.
Never park here.” I looked around
to see if maybe I parked in a driveway or if there were any signs suggesting
that I had done something wrong. No, on
both counts. I read on, “Turn off your
fucking alarm.” Now that struck me as
interesting BECAUSE I DRIVE A 2001 DAEWOO!
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE AN ALARM?!
Right then, the alarm went off.
An alarm that I had not encountered in the 3 years that I’ve owned that
wretched car. Apparently the fucking
Daewoo has a secret alarm that goes off when it’s parked in front of a house
inhabited by psychos.
So I got in my car and drove home. I drove through the streets of West Hollywood in a 2001 Daewoo that had been vandalized
to the extreme, every window accounted for, expletives galore and I headed back
to my tiny, freezing studio where dreams find a place to die.
The thing is, I believe that God exists. It’s just obvious that he literally wishes I
was dead. At least he didn’t impregnate
me with his stupid son. If I was Mary, I
would’ve been pissed. He must have
really hated her. In the end, I ended up
kidnapping my friend Allie and we spent the next two hours dousing my car with
vinegar and trying to get that fucking wax off.
The next day I went to work, attempted to get a cup of coffee and
instead, immediately broke the espresso machine. I barely have time to take one dick out of my
ass before another one gets jammed up there.
For a moment I thought the silver lining was that my IT guy fixed my
laptop. This was until I noticed that
when I open the stupid thing, my name is visible with a cat next to it. A CAT!
I fucking hate cats. And of
course I have no idea how to change it.
So now every time I open my laptop I remember that a) cats are stupid,
b) I am West Hollywood ’s bitch c) God fucking
hates me and wants me to die. My ass
runneth over.
