I’ve recently removed myself from society, evidenced by my
lack of posts. Two Valentine’s Day’s
ago, I was diagnosed with something called Ankylosing Spondylitis. You’ve never heard of it because
it’s a bullshit, made-up disease that’s predominantly found in men. After a ten day stint in Cedar’s Sinai, I determined
that I am, in fact, a baby boy. For the last year and a half, I’ve been
fighting an obscure disease. It doesn’t
have a ribbon, no one runs a marathon to support it and unless I use the Google
machine, I’m not even entirely certain how to spell it. I am an enigma.
I’m basically terrible at getting diseases. For starters, it would have been nice if I
had contracted a disease that anyone had ever heard of. Cancer, HIV, Hepatitis – those seem like
palatable and interesting diseases.
They’re also life-threatening which adds to their allure. Ankylosing Spondylitis is also known as
bamboo spine which means your entire spine eventually just fuses together. It’s not going to kill me, it’s just going to
make me less attractive. I suppose the
silver lining is that I might get a wheelchair.
Most recently, I’ve had some problems with the treatment of
my unreasonable disease. I’m not trying
to brag or anything, but it’s incurable.
The best I can do is treat it which requires me to give myself a
shot. I’ve talked to my doctor about
getting some medicine that’s snortable but he seems wholly uninterested and
more so horrified.
So for the last three months, I’ve been receiving a shot
called Simponi. Obviously, I am unable
to do it myself and often enlist strangers to administer this wretched
thing. As usual, I ran into some
trouble. My last doctor’s appointment
went something like this:
Dr: How are you?
Me: This disease is boring.
Dr: You’re very lucky.
You should be grateful you don’t have Cancer.
Me: At least they have a marathon.
Dr: How are you feeling?
Me: I sleep 16 hours a day and don’t have enough energy to
watch Netflix.
Dr: Right. Well we
ran some blood work and I have some bad news.
Me: Oh boy…
Dr: We’ve only seen this happen in about 140 people
nationwide. But it seems the shot you’re
on has inadvertently given you a second auto-immune disorder.
Me: Is this a joke?
Dr: I’m afraid not.
Me: What’s the auto-immune disorder?
Dr: Well…I don’t want to scare you. But are you familiar with Lupus?
Me: Does it have a ribbon?
Dr: It does actually.
Me: Yesssss.
Dr: But you don’t actually have Lupus.
Me: Damnit!
Dr: You should be happy.
Lupus is a serious disease.
Me: Does it have an awareness month?
Dr: Once you stop taking the Simponi, the Lupus will go
away. We need to start you on a new
shot.
Me: Will it accidentally give me another disease?
Dr. Unclear.
Me: You’re a terrible doctor.
I mean…I don’t even know what to say. For the last three months my biggest symptom
has been “tired.” It’s nearly impossible
to illicit sympathy when your biggest ailment is being lazy. The shot makes my hair fall out but it’s not
enough to justify a full shave and afro wig.
It also gives me bruises all over my legs which only makes me look like
a weirdo who wears pants in the summer.
It makes my skin break out which has me looking like a pre-pubescent
teenager. So ultimately, I look like a
thin haired, thirteen-year-old who doesn’t understand when it’s appropriate to
wear pants.
Everything’s wrong. I’m
terrible at getting diseases. I tried
drinking as a kid and wound up with alcoholism.
I tried walking around as an adult and was left with Ankylosing Spondylitis. I have a boyfriend now and I’m sure he’s
going to try to impregnate me. I can’t
imagine that going very well. Luckily,
he’s pretty determined to marry me. I
suppose I’m lucky to have someone who will push my wheelchair for the rest of
my life. Do they let invalids do
marathons? I hope so.
