I’m getting married and it is literally the worst thing that
has ever happened to me. I thought
abortion was a hot-button issue, turns out it’s weddings. I was pretty careful about announcing my
engagement to literally no one because of this reason. I even wear my engagement ring on my right
hand as to not draw attention to the fact that a wedding is happening. This is not because I don’t want to marry my
boyfriend (say fiancé and I’ll beat you); he’s wonderful and anyone who knows
him knows he’s singlehandedly responsible for keeping me alive. It’s because weddings turn women into animals
and I’m trying to live my motherfucking life over here. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, shit
has gotten insane and everyone I know is literally falling apart.
Boyfriend moved from quaint Frankfort, IL to terrifying Los
Angeles, CA over a year ago. He has been
my boyfriend on-and-off since I was 18 years old, so once he made the move it
was pretty obvious that we were going to get hitched. As I am not one to wait around, I decided to
check out a wedding venue in July when I was home in Frankfort. Many people found this to be alarming and
pointed out that I was not engaged (he asked me in November). Regardless, I headed over to what had
previously been a brewery to stake out the potential venue for my wedding. I brought my mother and Boyfriend’s mother
along with me. This was a huge mistake.
My mother is a reasonable woman. She has never pushed me to get married and,
unlike the rest of the world, seemed to think I still had value even as a
34-year-old single woman navigating a large city with almost no skills to speak
of and an overall inability to wear pants.
I thought for sure my mother would be the voice of reason as we embarked
upon our first wedding venue visit. I
could not have been more wrong. As we
entered the Frankfort wedding venue, I was greeted by a wedding planner (what a
bullshit job that is) who was wearing a bedazzled wife-beater. Despite her wardrobe, both Boyfriend’s mother
and my own mother seemed to think this bitch had a lot to offer. After 30 minutes with this monster, she had
ultimately described exactly what I didn’t want. 10-top tables, cold-chicken dinners,
overpriced flower arrangements, a DJ, and wedding favors wrapped in tulle. I was having a full-blown panic attack and
needed to get the fuck out of there.
When we left, I turned to both mothers and instead of having panic
attacks, they were suggesting that I sign the papers, not worry about the fact
that Boyfriend had yet to ask for my hand in marriage, and ultimately just plan
an entire cold-chicken dinner wedding behind his back.
I was horrified. I
ran back to Los Angeles and told Boyfriend that I could not, under any
circumstances, get married in that godforsaken brewery. He reminded me that he had yet to ask me to
marry him and I felt a lot better. I
think the moms knew I was upset because no one spoke of weddings again until
about two months ago when I got actually engaged. My strategy was to just tell them nothing and
hope for the best. Eventually, I called
them and calmly explained that I would be renting a house in Calabasas where I
would be having a BBQ/wedding. They were
horrified, but they also lived in another city, so I thought I was safe…until I
had to go home for Christmas and see them face-to-face.
It was total mayhem when I went home for the holidays. I had managed to keep all wedding talk off
the table in Los Angeles, but when I was home – surrounded by my girlfriends
from high school and all my family members – the wheels came off. Because of the holidays, I was forced into a
lot of events with my parents’ friends and Boyfriend’s parents’ friends and a
slew of other people that I see once a year.
Inevitably the wedding topic arose and everyone lost their shit.
So many confusing things happen once people find out you’re
getting married. First of all, literal
strangers will be elated for you and I find that to be upsetting. Was my life of singledom so sad for people
that they just couldn’t wait for it to be over?
I mean…not once have I been at a dinner party and said, “Yeah, I’ve
lived alone for ten years” and had someone jump for motherfucking joy. Instead they just ask why I’m eating so much
cake and then demand that I be available to babysit.
Secondly, everyone insists upon seeing your ring. I can’t conjure another scenario wherein
strangers are allowed to scrutinize part of your wardrobe while you’re
present. Also, I feel like that
shouldn’t be the first thing we talk about.
I mean…these are strangers – acquaintances at best – and now they’re
just holding my hand and telling me what a good job my boyfriend did. I mean…he’s not retarded. Any asshole is capable of buying a diamond
ring. Shouldn’t you be asking if he
beats me or not? Or if I’m pregnant? Or if we like each other at all? And why are you still touching me? And no I don’t want to see your stupid ring I didn’t actually
approve physical contact in the first place and now you’re just trying to trick
me into holding your hand again. GET THE
FUCK OFF OF ME!
Finally, these wedding mongers start peppering you with
questions about the details of your wedding and then feel compelled to tell you
what a stupid idea that is followed by what they did for their boring
weddings. For instance, I’m getting
married in Los Angeles and people keep warning me about the potential issues I
might face when having a destination wedding.
I FUCKING LIVE HERE YOU PSYCHOS!
THIS JUST IN, I HAVEN’T LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR A FUCKING DECADE AND WHILE
IT MAY NOT BE CONVENIENT FOR YOU THAT
I’M GETTING MARRIED IN THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE, I’M GETTING MARRIED IN THE
FUCKING PLACE WHERE I LIVE!!! THAT IS
NOT WEIRD AND IT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A DESTINATION WEDDING YOU LITERAL
LUNATICS!
Ugh…after that all happens, people just start offering to
throw parties for you. At this point,
I’m having like five weddings and something called a shower. I wish I was dead.
Listen, everyone’s excited and that’s very nice. I just wish they were this excited when I was
moving by myself for the fifth time or filing my own taxes. I can’t wait for this godforsaken thing to be
over. Ultimately,
weddings are epic wastes of money that turn well-meaning people into barbaric
psychopaths. Luckily, I’m real into Boyfriend. Weddings are bullshit but as far as marriage
is concerned, I literally do.
