Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I work at a law firm. There is a common misconception floating around that a law firm job is a serious matter to be treated with the utmost respect and dignity. Someone should tell this to my bosses who I am certain are trying to kill me. This knowledge doesn't minimize my utter astonishment when, each day, these men berate and degrade me. One of my boss' favorite things to do is come out of his office, demand I get him coffee and scream, "you're fired!" He then laughs as though this is the funniest thing that's ever happened. I am the victim in this scenario and despite my repeated attempts to survive the daily barrage of insults and death threats, I continually fall into their traps.

The other day, as I was heading out of the office for my 40th cig break of the day, I ran into my boss. It should be noted that I'm a legal assistant so basically everyone is my boss. I am on the bottom of the totem pole evident by the constant verbal abuse and demands that are hurled my way.

My Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Attempting to smoke.

My Boss: You're gonna die. Come get a flu shot.

So I did. Cause the terror inflicted upon me by these men coupled by my inability to not wander off, always has me saying yes to scenarios that I should likely avoid. On any given day, I find myself meandering around aimlessly and next thing ya know I'm getting man-handled by a stranger. Enter Elva.

I'm not sure if roughing up randos is Elva's actual job but upon my arrival on the 12th floor of the U.S. Bank Building, Elva seemed eager to jam a needle in my arm. Understanding that this would cause me great pain, my boss pulled out his video camera as I'm certain he wanted to be able to watch me suffer outside of the designated 8 hrs we’re already obligated to spend together each day. As you can see from said video, it was a God damn blood bath.