Are you familiar with Gluten? This is typically the first question I ask people when they want to know what it’s like to live in LA. Gluten is a mysterious substance that anorexic women everywhere are crazy about. No one knows what it is yet thin women contend it’s in everything making it easier for them to refuse all forms of food. Brilliant. What’s more, they don’t merely claim that it’s bad for you. They assert that upon eating supposed Gluten, they suffer a severe allergic reaction. When prodded about the symptoms of this alleged allergy, most women will tell you that it, “makes their belly hurt.”
Now, I’m not a doctor, but I have a cousin with a shellfish allergy and once, after eating half a shrimp, that kid shit his brains out, yakked everywhere and had to be rushed to the hospital. I highly doubt that leggy blonde women are carrying EpiPens around in case they have a run-in with a piece of pizza.
Furthermore, there seems to be a new trend sweeping the nation in which skeletal women refuse dairy. All the waifish women in Hollywood have banded together and declared dairy an absolute no-no. Really ladies? You’ve decided that an ENTIRE FOOD GROUP just isn’t cutting it for you? I’m sure the Got Milk campaign isn’t real thrilled with your antics.
No but seriously, what the fuck is Gluten? You could contend that this is all a ruse by a chubby, Midwestern girl to get her finger on the pulse of a dietary breakthrough but at the end of the day I just want to know what it is! Is it bigger than a breadbox? Can I not say the word bread around you because of your life-threatening allergy?
In an unprecedented move, I’m proclaiming that Gluten doesn’t exist and I’m no longer going to tolerate its terrorist threats. From what I understand it can be found in pasta, cake, cookies and all forms of sandwiches. If I could get my pudgy little hands on this purported Gluten I would…and then I would eat the shit out of it.