Thursday, March 31, 2011


Hey Kale,

Fuck you. Oh you think you're so clever, trying to pass yourself off as a snack. But you're not a snack, Kale. You, are an impostor. I had Chick-fil-A today, Kale. And it was delicious. You're nothing more then an upgrade of seaweed, Kale. SEAWEED!!! Again, not a snack. A horrible smack in the face. You are a lifeless sea creature. You, are cabbage. You know what I love about cabbage? Nothing, Kale! Zero! It's like eating green water you sick fuck. There is a version of you called Rape Kale. Reeeeallll convenient Kale. You are disgusting. I pity you, Kale. You take advantage of people who don't know any better. All the hipsters at Whole Foods are confused by your unsubstantiated claims of being a chip. You're not a chip, Kale! Ya know what makes great chips?! POTATOES!!! They've been doing it for years and then you slither in here with your deceptive green and leafy ways. You dirty scoundrel. You are delusional. I've seen pictures of you pretending to be a salad but I know better, Kale. What the fuck are you, Kale?! A flower? Don't think I haven't noticed you trying to pretend you're a flower, Kale. I hate you. I cannot stand you, Kale. Get out of my soup! You are literally stalking me, Kale. What's so great about you?! What do you have that collard greens don't have, Kale? I was perfectly fine before you waltzed in here, wreaking havoc on the vegetable world. You don't belong here, Kale! You sneaky devil. Get lost, Kale! You gutless monster. You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me, Kale. You're an animal. A psychopath. A threat. Scram, Kale. Watch your back. Watch. Your. Back. You God damn son of a bitch.


  1. Dear Alison,

    It has recently come to my attention that you have been a busy little beaver running around the internet saying nasty things about me.

    I want you to know that I know what you are doing, and you're not going to get away with it.

    I'm very familiar with your current affair with Spinach. Yes. Word travels fast in the produce aisle. Radish and Carrots both saw you with Spinach, sneaking off to the dairy section...flirting. Hugging. Kissing. Rubbing ranch dressing all over each other and rolling in croutons. Yogurt was barely able to hold it together at the site of that spectacle. Real classy.

    I find it oddly convenient that in your tirade you never make mention of my former relationship with Spinach. In fact, you even attempted to mis-direct attention away from Spinach by mentioning Collard Greens. Nice try.

    But you and I both know the truth. You're extremely jealous of me. Because you know in your heart of hearts, that no matter how much you think you and Spinach are in love...Spinach will never forget me.

    I know Spinach still thinks about me. I see how he gazes at me through the misters. You'll never be to Spinach what I was.

    So just admit it. You're jealous.

    As for your empty threats, Tomato and Parsley, both have your number. In fact so do most of us in the produce section. We all know you hate all vegetables. You just pretend to love Spinach for his money.

    And excuse me...but I didn't ask to be made into a chip. Some twisted hypo-glycemic raw vegan came up with that. As far as I'm concerned, his dehydrator should be confiscated.

    But you know who really hates you? Potato. You think its funny that Potato gets sliced up and then deep fried in scalding hot oil and held prisoner in a thin foil bag? Do you know how hot it is in those things? Or how long they sit on the shelf? Years in that prison. Years! You're sick.

    And I know for a fact that Grapes and Canteloupe saw you shop lifting Chocolate Covered Cherries while you mumbled something about needing some fruit in your diet and that it wasn't your fault that everything in the store is overpriced and that cigarette taxes are too high. That's just low.

    And if I were you, I'd rethink those threats. And while you're at it, start pulling together some of your "friends" over in the prepared foods section and bakery. I know how you love those guys. Especially you and cake.

    If you think you can take me, fine. You just go ahead and try. Just remember, if you wanna try and lay some smack down on Kale, you better bring an army.

    'Cuz Kale don't go down easy. Bitch.

    Fuck you too.

    I never claimed to be a flower and I'm in no way related to seaweed. I'm a cruciferous vegetable. Get your botany straight before you start throwing insults.

  2. Haha, Kale's gonna cut you, Al!