Eat Pie Instead

Exercise. What a heaping pile of shit this idea turned out to be. Certainly I have the wherewithal to recognize that any sort of physical activity is good for me. If nothing else, it's my attempt to counteract the heap of cigs I scarf down each day. What really bothers me are the cretins that pretend they're having the time of their lives, merely by exercising. When did we all start pretending that grueling exercise is a super fun time for all involved? In addition, each of these creeps have glommed on to their favorite exercise and they then spend the rest of their free time telling fatties like me how great it is.

RUNNING
"Have you heard about running? Oh ya, it's so freeing. I played running in college but I'm into this new thing where I don't wear shoes when I run and it's really changed my life."

Hey running enthusiast, you're an asshole. I get that there's an entire magazine dedicated to you and everything but stop trying to pretend that this is a new religion that we're all missing out on. You're simply going nowhere at an accelerated pace. That doesn't strike me as all that profound. Did you know that running was essentially invented in the process of hunting animals? Yet you continue to come back from your runs empty handed. You're doing a bad job runner. It's just exercise. Take it easy.

YOGA
"I'm not religious, I'm spiritual. You know, like yoga."

Um....what? Just because you can suck your own dick, doesn't mean you're now a spiritual guru. While I do appreciate that yoga classes usually end with "Shavasana" also known as "Sleeping," I find the majority of their so-called "poses" to be a real slap in the face. I also don't appreciate how calm everybody seems to be while suggesting that I rest my entire body on my forearms and then touch my toes to my ears. What kind of freak show is this? And why are we all chanting? I get that we're in West Hollywood but not every activity has to incorporate a song and dance. So take your little sleeping bag or magic carpet or whatever you call it and calm the fuck down. I get it, you're enlightened AND you've been to India. I didn't come here for a pep talk. I just want my ass to be smaller.

SPINNING
"Oh you HAVE to come to my spin class. You burn SO many calories."

I mean...probably but you're also forced to torture your nuts or vagina for 50 minutes while someone screams at you, to the tune of Lady Gaga. Has anyone realized yet that spinning is riding a one-wheeled bike? You basically took a totally functional piece of machinery, made it immobile, and called it exercise. It's actually worse than running because at the end of the class you unicycled in place for an hour and probably gave yourself a Urinary Tract Infection in the process.

Its fine everyone! Exercise is a thing that helps people, hooray! But ya know what else helps people? Root canals, insulin and chemotherapy. But when was the last time you heard a diabetic talking about the awesome new syringe he got? Never. Because sometimes things that are good for you are actually terrible. You are living a lie exercise aficionados. Exercise is horrible. It hurts, it's time-consuming and sometimes it threatens to rip away at your private parts. Pretending to like exercise is like pretending that the man who beats you is misunderstood. Well he's not. He's a horrible person and exercise is a terrible torture chamber that we all participate in begrudgingly. I just wish we could be honest about it. I'd rather be doing anything other than using any of my muscles at any time. If I could spend the rest of my life eating buckets of chicken in bed, I would. And I am no longer going to sit idly by while the rest of you feign excitement each time you approach the treadmill. So the next time you ask me how my workout was I will answer honestly, "It was God damn terrible. I hated everything about it and all the people there. Save yourself and never participate in soul-crushing exercise. Eat pie instead."