Things That Bother Me #847

Other people’s voicemails

For starters, I find it to be highly unreasonable when people claim they could only be doing one of two things which is why they’re not answering their phone.

“Hi! This is Claire, I’m either on the other line or I’m in a meeting.”

I doubt that Claire. Are you suggesting that you never poop? What if you just ate lunch and now you’re pooping. You failed to mention that, didn’t you Claire? Our relationship is built on a lie Claire. I can think of 4 zillion things that would keep me from answering my phone yet you’ve only listed 2. You’re a liar Claire. I will never call you again.

I also dislike when people tell me what to do in their voicemail.

“Hi, this is Mimi. Please leave your name and your number and I’ll call you back.”

Mimi, I’m your daughter. I’m fairly certain that you have my number. Also, I’m your only daughter so you should be able to decipher who’s calling sans the mentioning of my name. Mimi’s not the only one who demands I offer up my first and last name, time I called, and what my call is regarding. How about this everyone? I’ll leave whatever information I god damn well please and you can either call me back or go fuck yourself. I promise you, if I really have something to tell you, I will find you and scream it in your face. I will then tattoo my phone number onto your arm to be sure you have it.

Finally, automated voicemails that leave me a slew of unreasonable options that no one, anywhere would ever use, enrage me.

“After the beep, please leave a message. When you are finished recording, please press pound. If you’d like to send a fax, please press 3. If this is an emergency, hang up an call 911.”

What asshole tries to send a fax to a cell phone? That can’t possibly be a thing. Furthermore, does anyone even send faxes anymore? I doubt it. And this might come as a shock to you, wretched automated message, but if this was actually an emergency, I’d likely be dead by the time I got through all your options. 911 you say? Ah, brilliant. See, I thought it was the 9 digit number that I had at my disposal. Thank god I waited for 30 minutes to hear of this 911 you speak of. I hate you.