F U LA

Here's the thing about Los Angeles that's a real dick up the ass. Even seemingly positive accomplishments are torn to shreds by the City of Angels. This commercial poses as an excellent example of how this city clearly wants me dead.

For starters, the day I booked this commercial I also received a letter, from the DMV, which claimed my license was going to be suspended if I didn't fork over a shit ton of cash. Reeeaaallll convenient, DMV. It's as if they waited for me to come into any kind of income so that they could immediately pounce. When all was said and done, I made zero dollars off this commercial. The city of Los Angeles, however, made $1,200. I'm certain they used that money on prostitutes and drugs. I know what you're thinking. I must have done SOMETHING for the DMV to start barking up my tree. Well I did. I ran a red light….TRYING TO GET TO THIS AUDITION!!!! Ugh, insert dick into ass.

DMV aside, I was ready to begin the process of being a famous, non-union, internet-commercial actress. I was brimming over with self-confidence…until I got to the fitting and had to try on pants. So basically I had high self-esteem for like 30 minutes. It was awesome. But if faded due to the pants issue. Each time I re-entered the wardrobe room I heard things like, “Oh, that’s too bad. We really liked those pants before,” and “That won’t work. She looks so lumpy.” LUMPY!? Am I actually lumpy? Of course I am. But I didn’t need to drive all the way to Santa Monica to figure that out and I certainly don’t like being called lumpy as if I'm not even there. If there’s a lumpy person in the room, please pay them some respect.

To make matters worse, the guy I was shooting this commercial with (you see the Adonis draped to the wall?) WAS A MODEL! How dare you cast a model beside me to steal all my glory. Luckily everyone on set found me to be a HILARIOUS fat person meaning I wasn’t actually acting at all. I should also mention that they were all real adamant about that hand gesture to denote that I was hot. “It’s hot.” is my actual line and I think we can all agree that you never would have known what I meant had it not been for the strategically placed hand movements that backed up my theory.

At the end of my 8 hours of work, I basically blacked out. I was tired, still poor and as always, my pants didn’t fit.

Carmageddon

In honor of the 405 shutting down this weekend, what follows is my inner-monologue while navigating the perplexing and horrifying streets of Los Angeles. As we all know, I'm the only good driver in this God forsaken town.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Oh good, an ambulance. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Oh look at you! You're turning left! Congratulations you fucking asshole. Oh, yep. Just a little slower now. Make sure you've really got it. Hooray! I hate you. Fuck you. I hate you. Fuck you. SERIOUSLY?! A CAR ATTACHED TO A TRUCK ON SUNSET?! Awesome. Ya know what you could use more of? Lights, yellow tape, and billowing black exhaust. Ugh. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. Calm down everyone, it's just a movie premiere. Let's all try to focus up and continue on. UGH!!!! Pedestrians are the devil. Pedestrians are the devil. Pedestrians are the devil. Seriously bicyclist?! Who do you think you're helping? Get a fucking car you shitshow. You dirty hipster. You're not saving the environment. You're only increasing the homicide rate. USE THE SIDEWALK! Ideally you'll take out a few pedestrians in the process. My life lacks meaning. My life lacks meaning. My life lacks meaning. My life lacks meaning. My life lacks meaning. CONSTRUCTION!!!? Oh sure, now's a good time to work on the 101. 5pm on a Friday. Excellent choice, city of Los Angeles. You son of a bitch. There is no God. There is no God. There is no God. There is no God. What the fuck are you doing lady? Oh I get it, you're doing your makeup while reading to your child, OBVIOUSLY. You suck! You are so stupid! This time should be dedicated to DRIVING!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!