F U LA

Here's the thing about Los Angeles that's a real dick up the ass. Even seemingly positive accomplishments are torn to shreds by the City of Angels. This commercial poses as an excellent example of how this city clearly wants me dead.

For starters, the day I booked this commercial I also received a letter, from the DMV, which claimed my license was going to be suspended if I didn't fork over a shit ton of cash. Reeeaaallll convenient, DMV. It's as if they waited for me to come into any kind of income so that they could immediately pounce. When all was said and done, I made zero dollars off this commercial. The city of Los Angeles, however, made $1,200. I'm certain they used that money on prostitutes and drugs. I know what you're thinking. I must have done SOMETHING for the DMV to start barking up my tree. Well I did. I ran a red light….TRYING TO GET TO THIS AUDITION!!!! Ugh, insert dick into ass.

DMV aside, I was ready to begin the process of being a famous, non-union, internet-commercial actress. I was brimming over with self-confidence…until I got to the fitting and had to try on pants. So basically I had high self-esteem for like 30 minutes. It was awesome. But if faded due to the pants issue. Each time I re-entered the wardrobe room I heard things like, “Oh, that’s too bad. We really liked those pants before,” and “That won’t work. She looks so lumpy.” LUMPY!? Am I actually lumpy? Of course I am. But I didn’t need to drive all the way to Santa Monica to figure that out and I certainly don’t like being called lumpy as if I'm not even there. If there’s a lumpy person in the room, please pay them some respect.

To make matters worse, the guy I was shooting this commercial with (you see the Adonis draped to the wall?) WAS A MODEL! How dare you cast a model beside me to steal all my glory. Luckily everyone on set found me to be a HILARIOUS fat person meaning I wasn’t actually acting at all. I should also mention that they were all real adamant about that hand gesture to denote that I was hot. “It’s hot.” is my actual line and I think we can all agree that you never would have known what I meant had it not been for the strategically placed hand movements that backed up my theory.

At the end of my 8 hours of work, I basically blacked out. I was tired, still poor and as always, my pants didn’t fit.