This has got to be the most offensive thing you can ask someone. “Hey, you don’t have a life, any prospects or things to do…why don’t you watch this animal which is touted as being fully self-sufficient?” Based on those reasons alone, I am often asked to watch other people’s cats. It’s completely insulting. What’s worse? I don’t listen and I’m lazy, so not one of these “favors” I’m supposedly doing for other people has actually ever resulted in appropriate cat tending.
The first cat watching I ever did was for my friend Jenny. Jenny is terrifying to begin with, and I knew if I fucked this up she would literally murder me. I tried incredibly hard to pay attention as she described the wet food/dry food mixture I was to abide by. After that, she mentioned something about ice cubes in the cat water at which point I basically blacked out. There’s something else that doesn’t fit into my “cat watcher” profile and that’s the fact that I fucking hate cats… they know too much.
I remember being pretty excited on the day I went to watch Jenny’s cats and this was largely due to the fact that she kept a carton of cigarettes in her freezer and I was fresh out. Score! Once I stole a pack, I was ready to attend to the wretched cats. I did everything Jenny asked me to and even took a few matters into my own hands by closing closet doors and putting the toilet seat down. I was pretty proud of myself. That is until three days later when Jenny got home and informed me that her cats had shit all over the shoes in her closet seeing as I had closed the door to the litter box closet. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE THE LITTER BOX IS?! WHY DOESN’T THE CLOSET THAT HOLDS YOUR CLOTHES COME WITH A DOOR?! She claims it was pretty obvious, but so was the bottle of Jack Daniels I found in her kitchen... so I was a little preoccupied. Get off my back.
What’s crazy is that I relayed this entire scenario to my friend Rob and he then asked me to watch his cats. Ultimately, I don’t feel like I can be held responsible for what happened at his house. He had been warned. The sad thing is I was actually trying. I wanted to be good at watching cats, merely for ego reasons, but I kept getting waylaid by my deep hatred of the wretched little know-it-alls. That, combined with the general indifference I feel when it comes to doing things for others. Again, I wasn’t listening when Rob gave me my cat instructions, but I’m certain I felt like I was at the time. I didn’t notice the suitcases I had to walk over when I finally made it over to Rob’s house. I checked the water which seemed to be at a reasonable level as were the food dishes. Furthermore, the litter box was pristine. I called Rob to tell him the good news only to find out he had already vacationed and returned home. Turns out I was a little late in getting over there. Strike mother fucking two.
I know what you’re asking yourself, “Why the fuck did your idiot friends keep asking you to watch cats?” Honestly, I have no idea. I think it’s because they hate me but lo and behold, one week later, my friend Paul asked if I would watch his cat.
On the surface, watching Paul’s cat was a huge success. I was there at the correct time, did food and poop duties excellently, I even petted the horrid creature. However, everything backfired when I accidentally banged Paul. IT WAS A TRICK! Think about it... Paul could have asked anyone to watch his cat and he knew I was in a vulnerable place after failing twice before. After the run I’d had, it would be only natural that I wanted to go above and beyond the call of duty, which in this case meant sleeping with Paul. If he was a real friend, he would have understood that I was really working through something, but instead, he took advantage of me.
Paul’s was the last cat I ever watched. These days, if people ask me to watch their fleabags I tell them the truth, “I would…but the last time I did that, I ended up getting herpes. No, thank you.”