Tuesday, May 8, 2012

50 Shades of Suicide City

I’m thinking about taking 800 aspirin.  One of my friends tried it once and while she didn’t manage to kill herself, she claims she hasn’t had a headache since.  I blame my newfound suicidal tendencies on every trilogy I’ve ever read – the most recent being Fifty Shades of Grey.

You guys…seriously?  How am I supposed to keep up?!  After reading Twilight I learned that if you’re a virgin, you’re going to meet a hot, rich man and then he’ll bite you (cause he’s a vampire…obviously) and you’ll get to live forever.  In Fifty Shades of Grey I learned that if you’re a virgin, you’re going to meet a hot, rich man whose only goal in life is to make you happy, buy you clothes and occasionally gag you.

Spoiler alert: I’m not a virgin.  While every other woman in America is at home right now furiously masturbating to Fifty Shades of Grey, I am freaking out! Listen, I lost my virginity a long time ago.  If someone would have explained to me how important my chastity was going to be, it’s possible that I would have paid more attention to where it went.  It’s sort of like when you’re in line at a fast-food restaurant and right after you order they give you that little ticket with the number on it.  If you’re me, you find yourself sitting in a booth, five minutes later, wondering why the fuck you’re holding garbage.  After that, people start screaming numbers at you and you realize that the little piece of paper was wildly important.  Now you’re accidentally eating a kid’s meal when you could have had a Whopper.

Also, how do both the women in these books get men to aggressively stalk them?  Is it the virgin thing?  I can’t even get a guy to pick me up from my apartment.  These books are making me feel inadequate!  You think I haven’t tried to get men to stalk me?  I once told a diabetic that I live in a candy store and do you think that mother fucker ever stopped by?  Ugh….

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Anastasia spends all her free time eating pancakes and bacon yet a constant theme of the book is how she’s super thin and can’t put on any weight.  IN WHAT WORLD?!  When I was in high school I caught anorexia from a friend and I weighed 130 lbs.  That means that with full-blown anorexia I remained a regular sized person.  In the meantime, my show-off friend only weighed 89 lbs and kept getting called into the principal’s office.  Cut to me in detention where my teacher is screaming, “Yo Royer, you look great.  Don’t stop doing what you’re doing.”  Oh you mean continue to not eat food?!  Real nice detention teacher.  I can’t even do an eating disorder correctly.  I wish I was dead.

Listen, I have enough reasons to feel sorry for myself. I’m dying, I have an out-of-control drug addiction and I drive a Daewoo.  Isn’t it possible that an overweight Midwestern girl can still find love in this world?  I am young (31), attractive (boy haircut) and single (desperate).  I should be enjoying myself! Instead I spend my free time Googling “How to become a vampire” and “Is macaroni and cheese a carb?”  I hate everyone.  I hate vampires.  I hate flashy CEOs who have a panache for S&M.  And I hate men who can’t give me a simple reason to file a restraining order against them.  As soon as I can figure out how many bottles it takes to make 800 aspirin, I’m outta here.


  1. Had my friend Elizabeth, who had spent a mid week lunch convincing me to read these books, pursue this post. She was crying while reciting choice lines. You are hilarious and strangers already love you. ps. I'm not reading these books.

  2. Please send me your address. I will see if I can fit stalking you into my schedule.

  3. You are a full time whore Royer, a girl I knew in 7th grade took 100 aspirin and said she never had another headache again, bitch you stole my story. It's cool, throw my name in the credits!

  4. I bumped into this post whilst looking for fellow readers who didn't share the hysterical choir of praise for 50 Shades of Grey ... and laughed a lot. I wrote a critical post too (focused on the weird depiction of food in the book), if you want to have a look it's here http://intothefworld.wordpress.com/2012/06/19/why-fifty-shades-of-grey-makes-for-an-unappetising-read/

  5. You may be interested to know that 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight have the exact same main characters. The 50 Shades series started as a Twilight fanfic and then the author decided to change all the names and get it published. So... yeah. It's starting to look like we will never escape the horror that is Twilight. Also, I can't fit into pants either. I feel your pain, girl.