I mean…I’m basically full-blown anorexic over here and literally no one cares.
I recently visited yet another medical professional who spent a considerable amount of time pointing out my epic obesity. This medical observation cost me $400. Seriously? Literal blind people are able to quickly assess that I have an out of control weight problem, yet I just paid some horrid Beverly Hills “nutritionist” (that can’t be a real thing) to mock me while at the same time taking all of my money. I feel great about myself…obviously.
Regardless, it’s clearly time to pull in the reins. I assumed this would be a fairly easy process. After my first appointment with the wildly rude and more so egregiously expensive "nutritionist", she demanded that I write down everything I eat and email it to her. She then spent about an hour describing to me, in detail, what fruits and vegetables are. Needless to say, this woman is horrible and I wish she was dead…or at least fat. If nothing else, that would soften the blow.
The first thing I did after seeing the “nutritionist” was get in my car, hysterically cry, call Angel and force him to repeatedly tell me how attractive I am. This was an exercise in futility because obviously I can’t believe a word my boyfriend says to me. He’s mesmerized by my Armenianisms and cannot be trusted. After this charade, I went to work and Googled vegetables. I was horrified. I can’t live in a word where pasta isn’t served at every meal but I also can’t live in a world where people are paid handsomely to call me fat – I had reached an impasse and decided to take the plunge. I…began…to diet. So far, it’s been terrifying.
Here’s what my daily food intake used to look like:
Breakfast: Breakfast burrito
Snack: Candy
Lunch: Regular burrito
Snack: Candy
Dinner: Macaroni and Cheese sandwich
Dessert: BBQ Pork
I find that to be balanced and reasonable. Here’s what my new starvation diet looks like:
Breakfast: Oatmeal
Snack: Cigarette
Lunch: White fish with sautéed spinach
Snack: Cigarette
Dinner: Banana mixed with peanut butter and honey
Dessert: Cigarette
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed BUT I’M LITERALLY STARVING TO DEATH!!! IS THIS A JOKE?! NO ONE COULD SURVIVE ON THESE KINDS OF RATIONS. YOU KNOW WHO EATS LIKE THIS?! HOMELESS PEOPLE!!!
I thought for sure that once I emailed my new anorexic diary to my "nutritionist" she’d say something like, “Ok, so it seems like you’ve taken what I’ve said a little out of context. You’re accidentally starving yourself. Feel free to eat food sometimes.” I would have considered that to be an appropriate response. Instead, that bitch sent me an email. AN ENCRYPTED EMAIL!!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SET UP PASSWORD PROTECTION JUST TO ENTER A SECRET EMAIL VORTEX WHERE YOU CALL ME FAT YOU STUPID GOD DAMN WHORE!?
First of all, this fucking wang-job put all of her comments in caps which I found to be pretty aggressive. It looked like this:
Breakfast: Oatmeal GOOD!
Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!
Lunch: White fish with sautéed spinach HOW WAS THE FISH COOKED? STAY AWAY FROM SAUTEED, RAW IS BETTER!
Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!
Dinner: Banana mixed with peanut butter and honey MAKE SURE IT’S NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER!
Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!
I mean…is this a joke? She actually suggested that I could do better by eating less than literally nothing. You’re probably wondering if I’ve lost any weight. OBVIOUSLY!!! I’M LEGITIMATELY ANOREXIC!
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m certainly not about to stop smoking as nicotine is about the only nutrient I’m getting these days. I can’t see this working out. I’m either going to die of starvation or cancer. According to my “nutritionist” and everyone else in Los Angeles , this is preferable to being fat. If anyone is reading this, I beg you…please make sure they serve bratwurst at my funeral. If you really love me, you’ll bury me with a brat. I hope they serve sausage in heaven.
