Sausage

I mean…I’m basically full-blown anorexic over here and literally no one cares.

I recently visited yet another medical professional who spent a considerable amount of time pointing out my epic obesity.  This medical observation cost me $400.  Seriously?  Literal blind people are able to quickly assess that I have an out of control weight problem, yet I just paid some horrid Beverly Hills “nutritionist” (that can’t be a real thing) to mock me while at the same time taking all of my money.  I feel great about myself…obviously.

Regardless, it’s clearly time to pull in the reins.  I assumed this would be a fairly easy process.  After my first appointment with the wildly rude and more so egregiously expensive "nutritionist", she demanded that I write down everything I eat and email it to her.  She then spent about an hour describing to me, in detail, what fruits and vegetables are.  Needless to say, this woman is horrible and I wish she was dead…or at least fat.  If nothing else, that would soften the blow. 

The first thing I did after seeing the “nutritionist” was get in my car, hysterically cry, call Angel and force him to repeatedly tell me how attractive I am.  This was an exercise in futility because obviously I can’t believe a word my boyfriend says to me.  He’s mesmerized by my Armenianisms and cannot be trusted.  After this charade, I went to work and Googled vegetables.  I was horrified.  I can’t live in a word where pasta isn’t served at every meal but I also can’t live in a world where people are paid handsomely to call me fat – I had reached an impasse and decided to take the plunge.  I…began…to diet.  So far, it’s been terrifying. 

Here’s what my daily food intake used to look like:

Breakfast: Breakfast burrito

Snack: Candy

Lunch: Regular burrito

Snack: Candy

Dinner: Macaroni and Cheese sandwich

Dessert: BBQ Pork

I find that to be balanced and reasonable.  Here’s what my new starvation diet looks like:

Breakfast: Oatmeal

Snack: Cigarette

Lunch: White fish with sautéed spinach

Snack: Cigarette

Dinner: Banana mixed with peanut butter and honey

Dessert: Cigarette

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed BUT I’M LITERALLY STARVING TO DEATH!!!  IS THIS A JOKE?!  NO ONE COULD SURVIVE ON THESE KINDS OF RATIONS.  YOU KNOW WHO EATS LIKE THIS?!  HOMELESS PEOPLE!!!

I thought for sure that once I emailed my new anorexic diary to my "nutritionist" she’d say something like, “Ok, so it seems like you’ve taken what I’ve said a little out of context.  You’re accidentally starving yourself.  Feel free to eat food sometimes.”  I would have considered that to be an appropriate response.  Instead, that bitch sent me an email.  AN ENCRYPTED EMAIL!!!  WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SET UP PASSWORD PROTECTION JUST TO ENTER A SECRET EMAIL VORTEX WHERE YOU CALL ME FAT YOU STUPID GOD DAMN WHORE!?

First of all, this fucking wang-job put all of her comments in caps which I found to be pretty aggressive.  It looked like this:

Breakfast: Oatmeal GOOD!

Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!

Lunch: White fish with sautéed spinach HOW WAS THE FISH COOKED?  STAY AWAY FROM SAUTEED, RAW IS BETTER!

Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!

Dinner: Banana mixed with peanut butter and honey MAKE SURE IT’S NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER!

Snack: Cigarette YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OF CANCER!

I mean…is this a joke?  She actually suggested that I could do better by eating less than literally nothing.  You’re probably wondering if I’ve lost any weight.  OBVIOUSLY!!!  I’M LEGITIMATELY ANOREXIC!

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.  I’m certainly not about to stop smoking as nicotine is about the only nutrient I’m getting these days.  I can’t see this working out.  I’m either going to die of starvation or cancer.  According to my “nutritionist” and everyone else in Los Angeles, this is preferable to being fat.  If anyone is reading this, I beg you…please make sure they serve bratwurst at my funeral.  If you really love me, you’ll bury me with a brat.  I hope they serve sausage in heaven.