You have got to be fucking joking me.
I can’t even begin to describe to you the events which have occurred over the last month. It’s been a God damn blood bath. Last I knew I was enjoying a beautiful Superbowl day. I had gone to the gym, gotten a green tea pedicure, which I could not afford, eaten at Hooters and watched Tom Brady embarrass himself in front of the entire nation. Everything was coming up Royer. Nothing could have prepared me for Monday morning and the series of events which unfolded thereafter.
Wake up, feel like I’ve been hit by Semi, sleep until Wed.
Go to doctor, come home and lay in fetal position until Thu.
Receive call from doctor demanding that I immediately go to Emergency Room. Get ride to suggested emergency room, realize the horrors of the health care system, drive to Executive ER in Beverly Hills where they play Dr. Dre in the waiting room, received complimentary bottle of water. After many tests, it is imagined that I have gall stones.
Return to Executive ER. Gall stone test came back negative. Believed to have Hepatitis C. OBVIOUSLY. Questioned about life-long drug use and all potential suitors. Everyone is embarrassed as I take 45 minutes to list all the drugs I've done and men I've slept with. I'm sure I missed several of both.
Return to Executive ER. I am now jaundice because of crazy liver infection. Hepatitis tests came back negative. Also tested for HIV which came back negative. I feel like I've won the lottery. Regardless, sent to liver specialist for more tests.
Let’s just cut to Thursday where the liver specialist demands I be admitted into the hospital. Cedars-Sinai here I come. At this point I clearly don’t go to work anymore and my fevers are reaching 105 degrees which is kind of a perk because I’m having awesome acid flashbacks.
Here’s where my life becomes more demoralizing than I could have ever possibly imagined and you’re talking to a girl who has repeatedly run into people that looked familiar only to find out she banged them in a laundry room at a party one night. I assure you, this was worse.
At this point I hadn’t eaten in about two weeks and everyone kept asking me if I had diarrhea which I didn’t and suspected was the only thing I had going for me. After about four hours in the emergency room, I was laying on a bed in a hallway, I had the chills so bad that I was covered head-to-toe in blankets and heating pads and then I heard the voice of an angel.
Angel: Alison, we have your room ready for you.
Me: Thank you Angel, take me there.
Angel: We’ll just need to get your $750 admittance fee. How would you like to pay for that?
Me: Take all the money in my wallet you witch. But know that I don’t trust you anymore.
Well that bitch got the last word because as soon as I got into my room, I immediately had diarrhea. It’s like she willed it onto me. I was also diagnosed with pneumonia when I first got to the hospital so I was coughing a lot thereby shitting my pants. That happened about three times as soon as I got into my room and let me tell you what’s not easy, trying to not shit your pants while strapped to an IV. It’s an impossibility. And of course, the first thing these assholes wanted from me was a stool sample. NOT FUCKING COOL DUDES!
Wretched Nurse: Miss Alison? Can you give us a stool sample?
Me: I have diarrhea.
Wretched Nurse: That’s ok.
Me: So you just want a bowl of diarrhea?
Wretched Nurse: Yes.
Me: That’s fucking disgusting.
Wretched Nurse: Just leave it on the sink.
Me: Get out.
My ass hadn’t had so much attention since I visited the fraternities while in high school. About an hour after my diarrhea bowl was delivered I had another request.
Horrible Nurse: Alison, your temperature is 105.
Me: Who cares? Let me die.
Horrible Nurse: We need to give you a suppository.
Horrible Nurse: You could have a seizure.
Me: But at least your finger won’t be up my asshole. I’ll take my chances.
Horrible Nurse: Turn around.
Me: *desperate crying*
Have I painted an accurate picture? This was day one.