I love Christmas. I realize it's politically correct to call this time of year "the holidays" but I think we can all agree that's just code for Christmas. I don’t claim to know a lot about this Jesus character that everyone’s always talking about but I appreciate the fact that I receive gifts on his birthday. I believe we should all follow Jesus’ lead, which would allow me to receive gifts on literally everyone’s birthday. So Christmas it is. All remaining holidays are subpar. Don't think I don’t notice them trying to sneak themselves into the fray. Each year, I enter the lobby of my office building where a glorious Christmas tree is illuminated in all its glory while somewhere nearby a menorah tries to inch its way in. I call bullshit, menorah. You're just a candelabra in disguise. Stop trying to steal Christmas' thunder. Hanukah isn't the only culprit. Each year, more and more fake holidays try to take center stage.
Let's start with the most obvious fake holiday – Hanukkah. This fake holiday is also known as the festival of lights. I'm pretty sure that's the deal with all the candelabras. I want you to know that I did extensive research on Hanukkah and I still have no idea what it is. (It should be noted that "extensive research" entailed G-chatting my friend Orit who I'm pretty sure gave me an exact definition but in Hebrew so quite frankly, I'm still lost.) Anyway, I think it's just the celebration of wax candles…lame.
Black people. That's my only point of reference on Kwanzaa. Apparently it was made up in 1966. Made up…literally. It was created (made up) by a man named Maulana Karenga (fake name, fake holiday…makes sense) who said that Jesus was psychotic and that Christianity was a white religion that black people should shun…oh boy. Simmer down Maulana…Jesus was a hero who gave everyone a gift on his birthday. The only gift you've ever given is a fake holiday with too many consonants. I see you've taken a page from our friends the Jews. I'm not impressed.
NEW YEAR'S EVE
Quite frankly, New Year's Eve is a holiday I can get behind solely because it's ripe with drinking and debauchery. Sadly, I have an out of control drinking problem, therefore, this "holiday" no longer applies to me. Furthermore, the only gifts I've ever received on New Year's Eve have been D.U.I.s, S.T.D.s and a lost car. I lose my car a lot when I'm drinking. I used to have a close relationship with the Chicago Police Department because my first assumption was always that my car had been stolen. After a thorough wake-and-bake, I would then trick a friend into driving me around the city until I found whatever piece of shit car I was driving at the time. As you can see, NYE is a lot of work. It often results in several different blood tests, a pregnancy scare, and about an eighth of weed. Not for me. Not anymore. Fuck you, New Year's Eve -- Plan B is expensive and frankly, I don't appreciate your attitude.
The one thing I like about New Years is the resolutions part. As I look forward to holidays ahead, I resolve to find out who Jesus is. I resolve to not be racist. I resolve to know the whereabouts of my car at all times. Most of all, I resolve to accepts the gifts the world gives me. In the name of Jesus Christ, that wonderful man who bought me a Burberry bag last year, Amen.