Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I Literally Do

I’m getting married and it is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I thought abortion was a hot-button issue, turns out it’s weddings.  I was pretty careful about announcing my engagement to literally no one because of this reason.  I even wear my engagement ring on my right hand as to not draw attention to the fact that a wedding is happening.  This is not because I don’t want to marry my boyfriend (say fiancĂ© and I’ll beat you); he’s wonderful and anyone who knows him knows he’s singlehandedly responsible for keeping me alive.  It’s because weddings turn women into animals and I’m trying to live my motherfucking life over here.  Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, shit has gotten insane and everyone I know is literally falling apart.

Boyfriend moved from quaint Frankfort, IL to terrifying Los Angeles, CA over a year ago.  He has been my boyfriend on-and-off since I was 18 years old, so once he made the move it was pretty obvious that we were going to get hitched.  As I am not one to wait around, I decided to check out a wedding venue in July when I was home in Frankfort.  Many people found this to be alarming and pointed out that I was not engaged (he asked me in November).  Regardless, I headed over to what had previously been a brewery to stake out the potential venue for my wedding.  I brought my mother and Boyfriend’s mother along with me.  This was a huge mistake.

My mother is a reasonable woman.  She has never pushed me to get married and, unlike the rest of the world, seemed to think I still had value even as a 34-year-old single woman navigating a large city with almost no skills to speak of and an overall inability to wear pants.  I thought for sure my mother would be the voice of reason as we embarked upon our first wedding venue visit.  I could not have been more wrong.  As we entered the Frankfort wedding venue, I was greeted by a wedding planner (what a bullshit job that is) who was wearing a bedazzled wife-beater.  Despite her wardrobe, both Boyfriend’s mother and my own mother seemed to think this bitch had a lot to offer.  After 30 minutes with this monster, she had ultimately described exactly what I didn’t want.  10-top tables, cold-chicken dinners, overpriced flower arrangements, a DJ, and wedding favors wrapped in tulle.  I was having a full-blown panic attack and needed to get the fuck out of there.  When we left, I turned to both mothers and instead of having panic attacks, they were suggesting that I sign the papers, not worry about the fact that Boyfriend had yet to ask for my hand in marriage, and ultimately just plan an entire cold-chicken dinner wedding behind his back.

I was horrified.  I ran back to Los Angeles and told Boyfriend that I could not, under any circumstances, get married in that godforsaken brewery.  He reminded me that he had yet to ask me to marry him and I felt a lot better.  I think the moms knew I was upset because no one spoke of weddings again until about two months ago when I got actually engaged.  My strategy was to just tell them nothing and hope for the best.  Eventually, I called them and calmly explained that I would be renting a house in Calabasas where I would be having a BBQ/wedding.  They were horrified, but they also lived in another city, so I thought I was safe…until I had to go home for Christmas and see them face-to-face.

It was total mayhem when I went home for the holidays.  I had managed to keep all wedding talk off the table in Los Angeles, but when I was home – surrounded by my girlfriends from high school and all my family members –  the wheels came off.  Because of the holidays, I was forced into a lot of events with my parents’ friends and Boyfriend’s parents’ friends and a slew of other people that I see once a year.  Inevitably the wedding topic arose and everyone lost their shit.

So many confusing things happen once people find out you’re getting married.  First of all, literal strangers will be elated for you and I find that to be upsetting.  Was my life of singledom so sad for people that they just couldn’t wait for it to be over?  I mean…not once have I been at a dinner party and said, “Yeah, I’ve lived alone for ten years” and had someone jump for motherfucking joy.  Instead they just ask why I’m eating so much cake and then demand that I be available to babysit. 

Secondly, everyone insists upon seeing your ring.  I can’t conjure another scenario wherein strangers are allowed to scrutinize part of your wardrobe while you’re present.  Also, I feel like that shouldn’t be the first thing we talk about.  I mean…these are strangers – acquaintances at best – and now they’re just holding my hand and telling me what a good job my boyfriend did.  I mean…he’s not retarded.  Any asshole is capable of buying a diamond ring.  Shouldn’t you be asking if he beats me or not?  Or if I’m pregnant?  Or if we like each other at all?  And why are you still touching me?  And no I don’t want to see your stupid ring I didn’t actually approve physical contact in the first place and now you’re just trying to trick me into holding your hand again.  GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! 

Finally, these wedding mongers start peppering you with questions about the details of your wedding and then feel compelled to tell you what a stupid idea that is followed by what they did for their boring weddings.  For instance, I’m getting married in Los Angeles and people keep warning me about the potential issues I might face when having a destination wedding.  I FUCKING LIVE HERE YOU PSYCHOS!  THIS JUST IN, I HAVEN’T LIVED IN CHICAGO FOR A FUCKING DECADE AND WHILE IT MAY NOT BE CONVENIENT FOR YOU THAT I’M GETTING MARRIED IN THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE, I’M GETTING MARRIED IN THE FUCKING PLACE WHERE I LIVE!!!  THAT IS NOT WEIRD AND IT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A DESTINATION WEDDING YOU LITERAL LUNATICS!

Ugh…after that all happens, people just start offering to throw parties for you.  At this point, I’m having like five weddings and something called a shower.  I wish I was dead.

Listen, everyone’s excited and that’s very nice.  I just wish they were this excited when I was moving by myself for the fifth time or filing my own taxes.  I can’t wait for this godforsaken thing to be over.  Ultimately, weddings are epic wastes of money that turn well-meaning people into barbaric psychopaths.  Luckily, I’m real into Boyfriend.  Weddings are bullshit but as far as marriage is concerned, I literally do.

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