Saturday, February 12, 2011

What If Everyone Was Right? #2

What if smoking is actually bad for you? I can't possibly fathom this. I view cigs as binkies for adults. They're comforting, they're warm, and they make whoever's got one in their mouth look adorable....right? Throughout my life, I have continually succeeded through nerve-wracking situations by simply putting something in my mouth. It’s inconceivable to think that this is not the solution. Through breakups, car accidents, depressions, wedding, funerals, cigarettes have always been there, ready to calm me with their hypnotic warmth and assurance. I am instantly relieved by the sound of a lighter and that first puff of the smoky unraveling of all my ailments. What could possibly be bad about this? Threats of cancer and heart disease can't possibly terrorize me to desert my beloved. Everything causes cancer. Each year, the ever-growing list is updated to reveal more causes. Cell phones, chocolate, and wine have all made the list. Then there is, of course, exercise, lack of exercise, Kleenex, microwaves, anything that's been within 15 feet of plastic, cotton, deodorant, brushing your teeth. No one expects us to dodge all of these conspirators so why should I have to avoid cigarettes? No one asks you to not use your cell phone outside so why can't I smoke outside? P.S. This is the fucking dumbest rule I've ever witnessed. No smoking outside? Oh, ok that makes sense. Why don't you just keep supplying me with chemicals and then scream at me for smoking them. Also, if you've ever walked anywhere near me and then coughed in an attempt to remind me that what I'm doing is killing myself and possibly you then I'd like to make a suggestion. Suck ma dick. If I ever see you do it again, I'll mount you and blow smoke in your mouth with your nose pinned. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine. Don't think I won't do it.

1 comment:

  1. This is equal parts hilarious, awesome and true. Smoking is adorable like binkies!!
    And I sincerely hope I am there when you mount someone and blow smoke in their mouth!!
    Bridget M. Fagan