Happy Birthday

I’m supposed to go to Mexico for my birthday, Puerto Vallarta, to be exact. I have meticulously planned this trip and have set aside the necessary funds in order to embark upon this journey in a responsible way. Then I accidentally watched a documentary entitled Crude. This movie has ruined my life.

Crude tells the heartbreaking story of how Texaco-Chevron basically destroyed the country of Ecuador (Is Ecuador a country? It doesn’t matter. There are indigenous people there and they are God damn adorable.) Basically there’s something there called “The Amazon.” This place looks terrifying to begin with. Pour a shit ton of oil on top of it and you can bet your ass I’ll never be visiting. Yet as this documentary unfolded, I was taken. Set aside the fact that these people are dumb enough to live in the jungle. Why not a studio apartment? Believe me people, it’s no picnic but I have to imagine it’s better than living in a tree. So whatever, I get it. Born in a tree, start a family in a tree, grow old in a tree. It’s tradition. God bless. I’m willing to chalk this all up to idiocy and move on with my life. So far, this documentary is boring.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there. Turns out the fine people of Texaco accidentally spilled a ka-jillion gallons of oil all over the fine city of Ecuador (maybe it’s a city?). All these tree people are dying because they have nothing to drink but oil water. This is where I start to lose it. It turns out drinking and bathing in oil water causes ferocious cancer and the horrible man that made this film was sure to cover it all. There was this little girl with rashes all over her body, and then some 16 yr old who had to take a bus 18 hrs to get cancer treatment, and then a dad who lost both of his sons. And then Sting’s wife, that vixen Trudie Styler joined in and before you know it I’m jumping off the couch, cheetos are flying everywhere, I have a total breakdown of senses AND I BUY A $500 WATER CONTAINER FOR THE PEOPLE LIVING IN THE PROVINCE OF ECUADOR.

You have got to be fucking joking me. This is not ok. I don’t have $500. I DRIVE A DAEWOO! But how could I just sit here and watch that 16 yr old jungle person take the bus for 18 hrs? She should be awarded $500 just for having to take a jalopy in that heat! And who knows what supposed cancer treatment she’s even getting? For all I know, she just took a bus, probably got a staph infection in the process, and was awarded an Advil on the other end and told it was chemotherapy. Stop it.

It seems I have a soft spot for tree people. I love them, in fact. So fine, I can’t afford to go to Mexico now because I have no more money. And sure, my parents are going to murder me once they hear about the kinds of choices I make on my own. And yes, Rob Schaefer is going to never speak to me again because I made him change all his plans around so I could visit his condo in Puerto Vallarta and instead I chose to provide water to a part of the world I can’t even be really sure exists. Essentially, I’ve lost everything. I guess the good news is a) I have clean water, b) I don’t sleep in a tree and c) I have 4,000 new Ecuadorian friends that owe me, big time.