Thursday, February 18, 2016

I'm Probably Dying

In case you’re new here, I was recently diagnosed with pregnancy and everything is literally terrible.  I just visited my doctor for the first time since my diagnosis.  I was alarmed that she didn’t want to see me earlier but I guess we’re all just putting a ton of stock into stolen pregnancy tests.  They seem to be regarded by the medical community as wholly accurate.  Anyway, my doctor finally agreed to see me when I was 8 weeks pregnant and she did something called an ultrasound.  This is where they cover your stomach with Vaseline and then make you look at a fuzzy computer screen and try to convince you that the black and white static you’re viewing is actually your baby.  Obviously I wasn’t buying it.

After that charade, they let me see the actual doctor.  Our first visit did not go well.

Doctor: Alison!  Congratulations!

Me: On what?

Dr: Your pregnancy?

Me: Oh right.  Sorry.  I think I’m still in the denial stage.

Dr: What?

Me: You know: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Dr: Those are the 5 stages of grief.

Me: What’s your point?

Dr: Oh…was this pregnancy not planned?

Me: I mean…you basically tricked me into it remember?  You said I’d never get pregnant because I’m elderly and obese?

Dr: Well, since we’re on the subject, you’ve already gained 20 lbs. which is what you should be gaining overall throughout your entire pregnancy.  You’ve managed to reach that within your first 8 weeks.

Me: Why is it that you hate me?

Dr: Excuse me?

Me: I’m just wondering if you ever have anything nice to say.

Dr: Your baby seems healthy, so that’s good.

Me: Exactly.  Aren’t you going to give me any credit for keeping this thing alive for 8 weeks?

Dr: Good job.  Have you quit smoking?

Me: Listen lady, you don’t need to know everything.

Ugh…I’ve never been good with doctors.  She wasn’t wrong about the weight gain but it just doesn’t seem like I should be held responsible.  Horrible things happen to your body when you catch pregnancy.  For starters, my tits got enormous.  And not in like a fun, Pam Anderson kind of way.  It’s more of a horrific National Geographic situation.  Husband saw me naked one day and literally called the police. 

In addition, the only thing I had actually been looking forward to in the first trimester was constant vomiting.  I thought this would surely be my breakthrough moment into improbable skinniness.  I figured I’d be one of those anomalies where you actually lose weight when pregnant because you’re yacking the entire time.  I was more than willing to take one for the team if it meant justified bulimia and incredible weight loss.  Of course, I caught no such break.  Instead, I had nonstop nausea.  As we all know, pregnancy is a gift from God lot like food poisoning.  I spend most days curled up in the fetal position begging Husband to feed me like a bird because I don’t have the strength to feed myself yet food is the only thing that helps.  NO WONDER I GAINED 20 LBS. YOU GOD DAMN TWAT DOCTOR!  I was doing my best to keep the nausea at bay by eating nonstop and in the end all I got was a shaming by my medical professional.  I’ve never been a heroin addict (humble brag) but Husband was and he says that pregnancy seems a lot like being dope sick.  It’s so great being married to such a worldly man.

Every day I wake up, I experience a fun new pregnancy symptom.  I basically just Google whatever’s wrong with me followed by the word pregnancy.”  “Bone crushing fatigue pregnancy,” “Mouth filled with canker sores pregnancy,” “Only have a taste for hot dogs pregnancy.”  And sure as shit, there is a world of women out there who have suffered the exact same ailments.  It’s excruciating.  I tried to bring all of this up at my doctor’s appointment but clearly, that bitch was not interested.

Me: Listen, it feels like there’s an alien growing inside of me.

Dr: There is.

Me: No, but I mean it feels like it doesn’t want to be in there.  Is it too early to induce?

Dr: You’re only 8 weeks pregnant.

Me: I understand it might be risky, but I don’t see any other way.

Dr: I’m not sure you’re ready to be a mom.


No, but I’m being serious, how much longer does this last?  The other night I slept for 12 hours and then woke up to something called mouth ulcers.  This is a literal thing that happens to pregnant people.  I know what you’re thinking: Alison, those are herpes.”  NO THEY’RE NOT!  THEY ARE MOUTH ULCERS, LOOK IT UP!  Sorry.  I don’t know why I’m trying to convince you that I have ulcers and not herpes.  Nothing makes sense.  I know none of us are surprised to hear that I’m not doing well.  And I know you would give me a hug right now if you could but it wouldn’t be a good idea because my jugs hurt so fucking bad that when people hug me it feels like slivers of glass are being dragged across my areolas.  As I’m sure you can imagine, my sex life is better than ever.  Pray for me.  I might not make it.  

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