There are a couple of horribly inane questions that I’m bothered with on a daily basis. This is particularly true on my horrible days which breaks down to literally every day. And seeing as February 8, 2011, has somehow managed to trump all other recent, soul crushing days, I’m taking it as an opportunity to inform you of things you should never ask me unless you want a dick slapped across your face. (I don’t care if I don’t have a dick. I’ll find one and slap you with it.)
The first inane question is the most obvious. How was your day? It was fucking terrible. It always is. I started by waking up. Strike 1. This was followed by a trip down to my car where I was faced with the horrifying realization that I drive a Daewoo. Next I participated in a telephone call with a Russian landlord who made me cry. After that I called my Dad, seeking solace, and all he did was talk about wall paper the whole time. Finally I got to work which reminded me that I moved thousands of miles away from Chicago to be a legal assistant. Luckily, on the elevator ride up to my office, I had time to remove my Russian landlord’s dick from my ass, just in time for my boss to ram his up there.
Second stupid fucking question. How are you? What is wrong with you? Seriously? Why would you ask me that? I’m horrid. Obvie. Literally everyone knows that. Your question is like a slap in the face. How am I? Honestly. Why do you hate me? Only someone who hates me would ask me that. The only way to answer that question is “aggressively overweight.” That’s how I am and I resent your inability to be a little kinder to the fat people around you. Do you think I want my butt to be this big? Well I don’t. But these are the cards I’ve been dealt…by God…who also hates me. I have proof. #1 The Packers are the superbowl champions. Bullshit. #2 He’s made me allergic to alcohol which is the only thing that brings me joy. #3 He made cigarettes bad for you which doesn’t make sense cause they’re delicious. #4 He invented pregnancy thereby taking a lot of the fun out of irresponsible sex with strangers. I could go on but I’m bored. Cause your questions are stupid.
Final stupid question of the day. Are you dating anyone? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!! WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?!! Of course I’m not dating anyone you animal. Look at me! I’m completely unstable! I’m making unsubstantiated claims that the Czar of the Universe specifically hates ME and that that’s why he invented pregnancy. Be reasonable. The only person who would be able to tolerate my constant antics has got to be a deaf/blind person but he hasn’t been able to find me BECAUSE HE CAN’T SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING. God, you are such an IDIOT!
Ugh, anyway, everything’s wrong. Luckily Oprah taught me to see the silver lining. Ok. I guess the good news is that I’ve been booking a lot of acting work (totally untrue). Also, I make a ton of money at my day job for all the hard work I do (no I don’t). And my apartment has rooms (no it doesn’t). Plus I’m an amazing cook and always get to come home to deliciously cooked meals (all I eat is cereal). And I’ve always been a morning person so I get to wake up each day and go to the gym (upon waking up I’m in a murderous rage and I’ve always thought that “gym” was code for “hamburger factory”). I guess I do have a lot to be grateful for (only if I get hit by a bus). I’m really lucky to be supported by such amazing friends (not true. My friends are all drunks). I’m just going to slow down and focus on getting married (I hate weddings) and having kids (I’d rather drag razor blades over my retinas). At the end of the day you just have to put things into perspective. Things could be a lot worse (prove it). When I think about all the starving children in Africa (I’d kill to be that thin) or nations at war (I wish I had a gun), I’m always reminded of how lucky I really am to be me. Super. Fat.