Sunday, February 27, 2011

Dear Homeless People Everywhere:

Couple of pointers, I get that you’re super homeless and everything but may I suggest you put some energy into your vocation? Maybe take a voice class. Professionals everywhere often take to attending classes in order to hone their skills and I don't think you’re taking your job of homelessness very seriously. If I can't hear what you’re mumbling at me how am I supposed to decipher which demand it is that you’re barking in my general direction? Articulate and project! I barely have time to stop and give you anything in the first place (Oh...cause I have a JOB to get to) and I certainly don't have the time to stop in an attempt to ascertain what the hell it is you’re blubbering at me. Furthermore, I have zero desire to be any nearer to the smell of urine than I already am. If I liked the smell of pee I’d visit my Nana in the nursing home. And if basking in the stench of hot garbage and humiliation sounded fun to me, I'd put some energy into figuring out what a bus is and how to ride it (ugh...poor people are the worst).

Why not pick up a talent? Juggle or something. If there's one thing worse than a needy, vocally challenged homeless person, it’s one who offers nothing. This is a business transaction and you are bringing no cards to the table. You could stand to take a few pointers from my friend Stan. Stan is my favorite kind of homeless person. I see him every time I go down for a smoke. I give him a cigarette and he tells jokes. Stan is making an effort and as a result, he’s constantly smoking. These are the kinds of gifts you could look forward to if only you had the initiative.

Let me tell you what’s not working for you, digging through the trash. Last I checked recycling was not as lucrative as you’re all pretending it to be. Five cents a can is not going to get you a home…idiot. Also, it’s going to perpetuate the garbage smell that lingers each time you approach a stranger making it far less likely for some passerby to offer you anything other than some anti-bacterial gel and a kick in the ass.

Listen homeless person, I am rooting for you! I want desperately to give you a dollar but you’re not making it easy. Who knows what could come of some hard work and diligence on your part. The more impressed I am, the more likely I am to help you achieve your dreams of shooting up before noon. I want you to have all the things you’re driving for in this world. Whether it be a sandwich that doesn’t consist of coffee grounds and cardboard or a new grocery cart, these are your goals and I want to help to guide you on your road to freedom instead of the road that you sleep on. Meet me halfway homeless person. Let’s get you to a point where instead of sleeping in a tent on skid row, you’re sleeping in your car in the parking lot of a Ross Dress for Less. You can do it!!! Look at Stan! Is he homeless? Absolutely. Is he ever going to have a job? Certainly not. But while you’re adjusting your newspaper pillow, Stan is basking in the glory of his achievements. He’s taking it all in. One Marlboro Red at a time.

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