Fuck you. Oh you think you're so clever, trying to pass yourself off as a snack. But you're not a snack, Kale. You, are an impostor. I had Chick-fil-A today, Kale. And it was delicious. You're nothing more then an upgrade of seaweed, Kale. SEAWEED!!! Again, not a snack. A horrible smack in the face. You are a lifeless sea creature. You, are cabbage. You know what I love about cabbage? Nothing, Kale! Zero! It's like eating green water you sick fuck. There is a version of you called Rape Kale. Reeeeallll convenient Kale. You are disgusting. I pity you, Kale. You take advantage of people who don't know any better. All the hipsters at Whole Foods are confused by your unsubstantiated claims of being a chip. You're not a chip, Kale! Ya know what makes great chips?! POTATOES!!! They've been doing it for years and then you slither in here with your deceptive green and leafy ways. You dirty scoundrel. You are delusional. I've seen pictures of you pretending to be a salad but I know better, Kale. What the fuck are you, Kale?! A flower? Don't think I haven't noticed you trying to pretend you're a flower, Kale. I hate you. I cannot stand you, Kale. Get out of my soup! You are literally stalking me, Kale. What's so great about you?! What do you have that collard greens don't have, Kale? I was perfectly fine before you waltzed in here, wreaking havoc on the vegetable world. You don't belong here, Kale! You sneaky devil. Get lost, Kale! You gutless monster. You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me, Kale. You're an animal. A psychopath. A threat. Scram, Kale. Watch your back. Watch. Your. Back. You God damn son of a bitch.